The Quintessential Rugby League Player

In life we grow accustomed to stereotypes, both good and bad, so when someone mentions “rugby league player” we all have a mental image of what such an individual would look like. I’m sure for most of us a player like Ian Roberts would be a paragon of rugby league-ness - with his raw power, toughness, skill and devilish good looks. But somehow I don’t feel that it does justice to all rugby league players to define their essence by one individual - regardless of how magnificent they are …



So if you could build a quintessential rugby league player from scratch what features he would possess? Would he have Martin Offiah’s speedy feet, Andrew Johns’s eagle eyes, Lewis’s bullish core strength, Tonie Carroll’s superhuman chin, Justin Hodges’s hamstrings …

 

Dallas Johnson ears:



The death of contested scrums has almost entirely done away with these beauties; however, the few that still remain are gruesome reminders of the toughness of rugby league players. Since you can’t get them in scrum time anymore you know you are doing some seriously hard-core tackling to pick up cauliflower ears.

 

Luke O’Donnell’s arms



Kayne Lawton might spend hours in the gym sculpting his guns but they aren’t what rugby league is about. A rugby league player needs to be a lean, mean, killing machine and they don’t come much leaner and meaner than Luke O’Donnell’s upper extremities. They might not help him hold onto the ball but you can be sure that any swinging arms you deliver with these bad boys are going to put the hapless victim in a coma for weeks.

 

Huh? They have contested scrums.

 

David Kidwell’s forehead



It seems like every year the game of rugby league gets softer and softer. First they start calling penalties for swinging arms, then they say it is illegal to choke Sam Thaiday with a grapple tackle, then it is illegal to try an dislocate some cunts shoulder with a chicken wing tackle, and now they are banning the shoulder charge. So now that you’re not allowed to do that shit what do you do when someone disrespects you? Easy, give him the ol’ Glasgow Kiss. That is where the David Kidwell forehead comes in.

 

Ah you cunt!