What Goes On Tour Stays On Tour

Discussion in 'Archive of Seasons Past' started by CCG, Jul 9, 2010.

  1. CCG C Golding

    What Goes On Tour Stays On Tour
    By Chris Golding

    So, Seasonal Rugby's tour, delayed by that darned volcano, has finally begun, with a convincing win in England for the main squad against a full strength Northampton side, whilst the Emerging Squad experienced some success against the Tongan National team.

    AD Hunt gave a sterling performance in the ES match, with a Morne Steyn-esque haul of 31 points from the boot. Heath Davis lead from the front in the game, working hard around the park to secure ball for his backs to play with, although some fans were left hoping to see it spread wider more in the next game. Jacobs and Cambridge, both of the Vikings RFC, had good defensive games, with the former also scoring a try to top off a good allround performance for himself. The two more impressive facts, however, are that Eddie Morris managed to stay on the park the whole game, without being injured, carded or sent to bed by his mother, and Dougy Dafter finishing the game after what Mike Tyson described as a "motherhugger" of a left hook from Finau Maka, who was duly sent packing for emulating his hero, Muhammed Ali. We blame it on the new hairstyle, inspired by Ali, opposed to his usual wild afro. Dafter's remedy after the game was said to be a crate of Stella, drunk through a straw as he struggled to move his jaw, to ease the pain. Whilst he managed to subside the pain of the fist, the next morning he suffered the pain of the hangover. Safe to say, Dafter learnt a few lessons. Firstly, ensure you aren't on the end of a Finau Maka left hook, secondly, and listen out kids, don't outdrink your limits.

    The main squad, however, showed their class, with an impressive performance from their 10 as well in young Jake Luffman. With the abscene of Ed Ames on tour, the void of the 10 shirt was big, with arguments about who best to fill it aplenty, but Luffman, finally off the white stuff we've been told, didn't disappoint, giving us a spectacle to behold. Sam Graham found his kicking boots, nailing 26 points from his kicking tee, and showing that he's a genuine contender for the 15 shirt, a position where the likes of superstar BOY Blunder may turn out. The debut of Dave Eggman in the front row was superb, with him dominating the Northampton front row and capping off a top display by scurrying over the whitewash. The second row didn't disappoint, with McDougal and Denton ensuring the Northampton lineout were kept quiet, but the surprise of the day came perhaps from Marcuss Deane for all the wrong reasons. Usually leading from the front, he was not on his best form. Whilst it was promised by teammates at the scene they wouldn't repeat his antics the night before the game, we've had an inside scoop Deane hit the Sambuca mixed in with the local beer the night before and, similar to Dafter, didn't feel too well the following morning. He apologised at a team meeting for his bad behaviour and has been graced by the management, not without having to accept the "Dick of the Day" title and wearing the wig of stupidity. Pictures coming soon.

    So, whilst the first matches are done and dusted, most of the news from the camps has been spilled. Dafter lived up to his surname when it came to drinking off a Maka hook perhaps being the most amusing for his team-mates, but there's been some other incidents too. Adam Vago, notoriously nicknamed "Snake," found just that in his hotel room after a prank by one of his team-mates. After forming a small turtle head in his pants, he managed to usher the snake into his bathroom and lock the door, leaving a "present" for the maid the next day who didn't leave the right brand of tea that he'd asked for. On the Emerging Tour, Sam Bakkum signed in the name of Eddie Morris for a midget porn filming. When asked for a comment on this, Morris muttered, "Damned inside jokes..." and simply left. However, saying this, videos have emerged on the net some of the boys have informed me. I can't say that I'll be looking it up myself, but for all of you who swing the other way and are fans of Morris' "small" figure, it's certainly out there somewhere! Other smaller pranks that are noteworthy are that of Alistair Son, who filled Lucas Schaw's match-day bag with shaving foam, and in the Main Squad, Gemmell's lack of eyebrows was certainly apparent in the game. Rumour has it Benny Read is the culprit and he had to stake the night out to ensure Gemmell was fully asleep before he could do the schoolboy deed, possibly explaining his average performance against Northampton.

    That's it for now; there'll certainly be more updates from the tour as more sheepish pranks are pulled, but the days are young and the training hard for the next round of games, so until then, I leave you with the fresh thought of Eddie Morris, (attempted) rugby player-cum-midget porn star. And yes, "cum" is certainly a play on words there!
     
  2. Eds E Ames

    :D. Awesome.
     
  3. Eddie EI Morris

    lol a whole article with abuse for Me the whole way through ;)
     
  4. Sik_Slogga SLO Graham

    Sssh midge, adults are talking now.
    Haha nice one, Blunder aint laying a fingerprint on that 15 jersey ;)
     
  5. Eds E Ames

    Some simmage this weekend, I reckon.
     
  6. stupersteve03 SJ Cambridge

    Excellent, can't wait.
     
  7. Eggman DA Eggman

    Sweet as mate.
     
  8. Gazza GJ Weaver

    Keep it up Eds
     
  9. Eds E Ames

    I'm on holidays now.

    You know what that means...
     
  10. Sik_Slogga SLO Graham

    WANK-A-THONNNNNNNNNN
     
  11. Verigoat S Verigotta

  12. stupersteve03 SJ Cambridge

    Time to get your sim on eds.
     

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